When your horse is going to die...
This past month has been a wave of emotions- from a high of highs of attending a weeklong camp trip with him to several weeks later watching him disintegrate right before my eyes.
I watched in horror as Luke deteriorated in days, I rushed him to and from the vet clinic over the week...I spent hours with him nursing him back to a stable condition....
Let me back track even further.
Luke found me at a horse sale.
It was cliche, I knew I needed him. I was not leaving the auction without him.
He was dangerous. He was so Much horse! that he scared me when riding. In hindsight, I realize now he was acting out his pain-and its what he knew he needed to do In order for events to happen to reach me....
Eventually, I posted him for sale...Then I had a moment where he showed me a soft side, under all that bravado and dragon action.
I listened to my heart and kept him.
He challenged me to my core. Ever fibre of my being was nervous and fear full, why?!
Because he pushed my comfort zone.
He demanded me to be present, to be who I am meant to be, to be confident, to trust in my abilities, to acknowledge my own strengths and to look the devil in the eye and say "hey I got this".
The switch flipped one day for me.. I felt confident, I knew I could handle this, I trusted in my own horsemanship abilities...and you know what, Luke rewarded me greatly for it.
I grew so much from that determination, time and effort!!! that I put into him. It was no walk in the park, I had to feel those scary feelings and take a moment to see if they still fit me. Is that who I really am still? most times No. I wasn't that person. I had to let go of some old stories, old beliefs, old energies that didn't serve me any purpose any longer.
He taught me how to Fly.
My spirit soared. I gained my health back and he waited there for me to be strong enough. Each time he gave me just enough and pushed me to ask for more. Before long I became a stronger horsewomen, I was braver, I was asking for more and he gave me his heart.
A month of sickness. A month of what the hell!
How Do I FIX him! I was at a loss. I cried for the dreams I have for him, for the person he made me.
This past weekend, I began the emotional, internal process of letting him go. I asked my girlfriend to come and take pictures of us at sun rise...I had my parents be ready to dig a grave...
the universe co-consipred against me.
MY horse trailer ran out of insurance, the holiday (which I forgot) meant the vet clinic was closed, My heart just couldn't do it.
Heather from the clinic urged me to do one more round of 'searching' we x-rayed/ultrasounded/dug in his mouth, we could not find a tumour or fracture or breaks,,,NOTHING! We discussed the options. They did not recommend putting him down. Wait another week of 'seeing' if he improves....
My emotions are strung out. I am at a loss of what to do.
It was my choice...euthanize him or not.
My heart said take him home.
So we loaded him back up & brought him home.
That night my friend Jamie Lee suggested that I have a heart talk with him.
So I sat with Luke and told him, that I have let go of all my expectations and dreams and goals of what I had For Him...and that I only want him to be healthy and to do what he loves, whether that will ever be competition or not. A new direction? Let go of what I think I know and trust in what I feel.
Fully become aware of the energy that flows thru us.
Where that guides us....
Im a fairly big believer that horses will tell you...
the ball was in his court per say... Its up to him to continue on in our world or carry over to the other side...
We worked on his jaw, and got it realigned and ran lots of energy into him.. (thank you Kathy Blackwing )
he started eating...and took a stroll around the hay field after.
this afternoon, I was across the yard...He came head up trotting over to me...
Disbelief, I was speachless to watch him, he felt lighter, he felt connected to me, he felt like he wants to stay.
What happened is still a mystery. How to fix him is a mystery.
the life lessons I am learning about my heart, spirit & horse energy is one I will never forget.
You are stronger then you think. You are more capable then you think. Your heart is open and ready to receive. Your energy flow is connected. You are enough. You are Love. You are present in self. You are medicine. You are healing.
You are one with horse.
Written by Candice Camille, 2018.
image by Freshairphotography.
August 23, 2018. Luke has finally shown response to his surroundings, his mom, and his buddies...He seems to be on the mend.